#12 My Dad

He's my dad. No one laughs harder at his own jokes than himself. No one makes better cinnamon rolls in the world. I love the stuffing out of him.

#11 My Brother Sawyer

aka Sodi
aka Soy
aka Chowder

Even though we are 18 years apart- I feel more like a sister to him than a mom.


He is the bestest and turning into quite the young man now. And has the greatest sense of humor...when he was about 5 he scribbled something on a piece of paper and asked me to come read it (because he couldn't) I walked over and saw that it was his name written down- but before I could even see it coming I WAS PANTSED! The great hoodwink! I heart him.

#10 My Brother, Elder Cody Mack

My brother Elder Cody Mack is serving as a missonary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

I am grateful for him, and his committments to those things he believes are true.

Its is so crazy to see what a wonderful young man he has grown into.

Love you Cody!

#9 The Ocean

A straight up necessity of my life.

I will never live in a landlocked state. Ever.

# 8 SUBLIME

The music that defined my adolescence.

The sound that I will never be sick of hearing.

They are my damn band.

One love Bradley!

#7 Block Island

Block Island, Rhode Island is the most beautiful place on earth...I don't even care that I haven't seen a lot of this earth and make that distiction.

Its where I *grew* up each summer, where every memory of it is GOOD, where the air feels cleaner and my life feels blessed when I am there.

Its were I started my new family with Brandino, and shared it with people that I love dearly.

Keep a candle in the window for me Block Island.....I will come home soon.

# 6 The Quinnipiac River

I am surprised by its effect on my mood every single time I look out of my windows.

It is my backyard...and I love it.

#5 A Broken Umbrella

This Collective of inspiring individuals who have reinforced for me my calling as an artist and this internal belief that things fall into place for some greater *divine* purpose.

They are the shapes, the makes, the mystics and the muses......and to quote Jose Rivera

"We speak in tongues while others speak in fortune cookies".

#4 My Mother

What can I say about mothers that hasn't already been said... She gave birth to me 30 years ago, and she remembers it like it was yesterday. I am a big event for her, but so are her other children.

She, however, is the ONLY mother I will ever have. There is something terrifying, and absolutely magical about that thought.

She is my only- and knows me sometimes when I don't know myself.

Oh- and I should mention- a total rock star to boot!

#3 Daphne

Yeah yeah, she's my dog- and without her I wouldn't be alive today.

Daphtastrophy came into my life when I was at one of the most depressed points I have ever faced in my life. She is a life-sized, free-willed Muppet that cannot be harmed by conventional means.

And I love every single ridicules thing about her.

Its too bad she can't read.

#2 My sisters

For all the face slapping, hair pulling, name calling and general ruckus caused from living in a house with three sisters, I am eternally blessed to call them just that.

They are always going to be in my foxhole-and not just because they have to- because they want to.

They make me proud to carry on the heritage of my family, proud that they share my face, my legs & my neurosis.

I love them without reconciliation and I am a better person for having them in my life.

#1 My Husband

I turned 30 on Saturday and decided that I would do a series of the 30 things...one a day.....of people/things/memories that I have shaped me. That I am grateful for.

So here is my first:

#1 My Husband

There is a spectacular way that he has about him that makes me want to be near him, even when he frustrates me and I would rather punch him in the face. I want to be closer than is physically possible to him. I love him without reason, or forfeit. I don't' have to be anything more or less. He makes me feel like I am just enough of something to not give up. And so I don't.

I remember meeting him, 1st kissing-him, falling in love with him and growing-up with him.

I can't wait to start a family with him.

I am so angry today. Nothing else.

I think there is this misconception out there in the world that we start out with a whole heart....I don't buy it.
It goes against what everyone has ever said to me about being in love....this idea that two become one.
So maybe its not that two become one, but rather that we are never whole to begin with.
And ever so occassionally we can meet that rare bird who can mend us with a bit of string.
And maybe those moments are fleeting.
And maybe that's why it hurts so bad when we separate from people- even when they are no good for us.
Because ultimately each of us walks around with half a heart, waiting to be mended.

An ancestor of mine once said, "company are like fish, both stink after three days."

By and By Lord By and By

Bible group. Being pregnant (or not). Being sad. Being fed up. Carpooling. Frites at Rudy's. Cold beers. Being tired. So completely tired. Being ready. This is how my life feels. Short sentences crammed together. Nothing to look forward to because by the time you start reading you are already finished. I need a project I can really sink my teeth into. A project I can get get connected to the community with, the community in which I live. I will begin that project.

Today.

Friday March 26th 2010.

Get Ready. This is not a drill.

Living the Single Life

Brandon just left on Sunday for a 4 month tour. I don't think I will be able to see him for that time period and a am really upset about it. I thought I would be fine, and I would really like this "single life" - but I just don't. There. I have said it. Too bad I don't feel any better.

Global Warming is not a joke.

Meanwhile back at the Yoga Studio...

Every Saturday morning, I hit my snooze button for 1 hour starting at 7:30am- much to Brandon's chagrin-shock myself out of bed- and participate in "workstudy" at my local Yoga Studio. I work for four hours (give or take 20 mins) in exchange for FREE classes. This seems like the best thing- however, the fact that I work almost 45 minutes away from the studio & where I live make it cumbersome, instead of easy, to get to a FREE class.

So I sit here, checking people in, meeting different workstudy students and learning a little bit more about life. Its the best part of my week- and I don't get traditional compensation for it-and I like that, and I am sure that is where some of its appeal lies. I feel that my time is adequately compesated for what I am putting out.

I spend time on Gmail, Facebook and the like..but the times I spend talking to the women that I meet are invaluable. I feel connected to the larger clan of WOMAN, and that, as a childless woman of child bearing age, is comforting to my heart.

So thanks to Heidi & the brave women (& men) at Fresh Yoga, for making this comfort possible. Check them out... www.freshyoga.com

Its interesting how the human body mourns loss. Some consider death the only true loss. But we forget exactly HOW much loss one truly experiences on a day to day basis. Perhaps a shift in our perspective would aide in accepting loss all the time, freeing ourselves from the confinement of "hope" or "belief" that things are different than they really are. Because here's the secret, we are not weighed down by our failings or otherwise.....we are reborn, renamed something that we can claim as our own device. They are not inherently negative, humanity, religion they have prescribed to us that to fail is to be bad. To succeed is to be good.

I don't agree, and will not accept this as truth.

I learn nothing from success, and everything from my failures.

Just something to consider. Maybe I'm wrong...

I can hear the train from where I sit on the floor of my living room. Cold air drifts through the gaps in the turn-of-the-century floor boards as my dog snores quietly behind me on the couch. Dreaming. And I wonder if dogs ever have nightmares- and do they make sense? Are they existential, obtuse & morally askew. Are they just primordial- fight or flight reponses to instinct. Don't know, and now I am bored with that thought. I consider the weight of my eyelids, and blink before I turn in for the night.